The beasts of the season are upon me and in true Halloween form, I find myself running and screaming. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE fall. The leaves, the crisp weather, the powerfully delicious caramel apples. But the fall also tends to offer up some real problems for me. While everything else is absolutely lovely, these three issues come up every year.
1. Candy corn - I am losing my battle against these tri-colored honey domes. I swear them off until October 1, despite the fact that the stores attempt to lure me in starting around the end of August. Once October 1 hits, a bag appears in our house. I'm not sure how it gets there, but no matter where I hide it, it pops back up into my hand and about 10 triangles jump into my mouth against my wishes. No means no, candy corn! It's basically a month of harassment. They make my teeth hurt and my stomach gurgle, but a couple of hours later, they can really hit the spot.
2. Corn mazes - Maybe my real problem is just anything related to corn. But probably not, because I have no problems with corn on the cob in the summertime. Corn mazes give me claustrophobia. I immediately find myself mentally entering "The Shining." I can hear my heart beat in my ears and my breathing quickens. If I don't get out soon, I will perish. I race out and try to act all casual around the other families and children at the exit, who have just had a magnificent time, and don't seem remotely frightened. This fall, I simply sent my kids in one without me. "I'll wait for you at the exit." Luckily there was a guy in a cherry picker who could see everybody, so I knew they wouldn't get snatched by any Children of the Corn type horrors.
3. Scream Masks - That movie mask still gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't like scary things. Period. I want to curl up in the fetal position, but sucking my thumb publicly might get embarrassing. I really wish they would retire that costume, yet every year, I see multiples. I jump inside each time I spot one, even if it's on the body of an 8-year-old. Little Scream killers actually seem more menacing sometimes.
You know what sounds good right now? Some candy corn. Seriously, it's such a problem.